Thursday, May 21, 2009

I really need a new place to air my thoughts; this unnecessary scrutiny is not needed. This is my thoughts, my confusion, my agony. Rather than it being for you to know, its for me to remind myself not to be silly.

If there’s a word to describe my feelings now, it’d be disillusioned.

No matter what I cannot go on pretending like that, I can’t, I really cannot. This stupid cycle is never going to end, and I’m not going to delude myself, it’ll hurt more at the end. What can happen once, can happen again. Trust me; this is reality without the rose coloured glasses. I’m learning to see reality as it is.

To be angry and then not to be.

To be upset and then not to be.

To be totally mad and then not to be.

It’s tiring and I’m getting super irritated.

我不像你，我不可以。

我不是过分，而是不想自己再受伤，被气。

你根本不在乎我，我为什么要傻傻的，在乎你。

It’s not a matter of tolerance or even understanding anymore. The only question that I can still formulate now is an incoherent ‘why’. Why is all this for? What’s the point of talking when it won’t be heard? This is causing me unnecessary stress and worry.

I’m done with caring. I’m done with putting my heart on the line.

The only thing that is still repeating in my mind is this refrain ‘so this is how much I mean to you’. It resounds with a finality that is almost horrifying.

These stupid decisions; empathy only adds to the pain.

Gone with the wind. Indeed, yes.

Gone before you realise how much you’ve lost.

就因为我不把话说出来，就因为我想用平静的心意去看待，就是说你是对的。我因为在乎你，才把话收回去，就觉得不用在乎我的是吗？我现在不再是生气，而是累。虽然我知道自己的技术可能不如你，可是也不至于一文不值吧。作为朋友的我，不过是想帮忙和分担。可能是自己的期望太高，可是作为朋友的我们我还希望能得到谅解和保护。可能是我自己太小孩子了。

最让我遗憾的是我们的距离越来越远了。我慢慢忘记，以前的我们是怎么样的。我现在已经不想去要求别人理解我了，我现在最好的选择是不出声，象鬼一样的变透明。需说就说，需笑就笑。

Unemotional; detached. My last stand.

等到我彻底死心和失望时，对你好不在乎，就是我默默消失的铃声。

我。我。。我开始不认识我自己了，我怎么样才能找回我自己呢？活在一个陌生的世界，活在一个不像是自己的自己。。我开始慢慢怨恨自己。 你知道吗？想哭又哭不出是世界上最可怕的感觉。

你可以恨我，讨厌我。如果恨我就直接告诉我，我可以帮你，减少出现在你视线之内。我似否该问，我所做错的一切。

突然又可以哭了。