Monday, May 25, 2009

我想说，又不能说。

想了就烦。

就这样吧，这是命中注定。

我无话可说。就算是我错了好了。

有时失去了就是失去了，不法挽回。

信任。我们之间还有吗？

快乐的代价是小、残忍的。

如果我不理解你，你更不理解我

有时又许许多多的话要说可是找不到也想不到要怎么样去表达。

也就是感到好累好累，好象黑暗的时光都不会离开。

有时当事情发生后你真的不知道要怎么样去面对，有时我还会问自己我到底是抱着真么样的心情。真得可笑，我对我自己越来越不了解了。

坦然面对，我希望我可以。

在学校发生的种种事情，同时间让我慢慢成长。

当没有人理解你时，你就只能学会理解自己。

当朋友不明白你时，

当家人不知怎样去理解你时，

当你自己不想去面对时，

那种感觉还真是个新的体验。

如果快乐是一场梦，那我永远都不想起来。

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I really need a new place to air my thoughts; this unnecessary scrutiny is not needed. This is my thoughts, my confusion, my agony. Rather than it being for you to know, its for me to remind myself not to be silly.

If there’s a word to describe my feelings now, it’d be disillusioned.

No matter what I cannot go on pretending like that, I can’t, I really cannot. This stupid cycle is never going to end, and I’m not going to delude myself, it’ll hurt more at the end. What can happen once, can happen again. Trust me; this is reality without the rose coloured glasses. I’m learning to see reality as it is.

To be angry and then not to be.

To be upset and then not to be.

To be totally mad and then not to be.

It’s tiring and I’m getting super irritated.

我不像你，我不可以。

我不是过分，而是不想自己再受伤，被气。

你根本不在乎我，我为什么要傻傻的，在乎你。

It’s not a matter of tolerance or even understanding anymore. The only question that I can still formulate now is an incoherent ‘why’. Why is all this for? What’s the point of talking when it won’t be heard? This is causing me unnecessary stress and worry.

I’m done with caring. I’m done with putting my heart on the line.

The only thing that is still repeating in my mind is this refrain ‘so this is how much I mean to you’. It resounds with a finality that is almost horrifying.

These stupid decisions; empathy only adds to the pain.

Gone with the wind. Indeed, yes.

Gone before you realise how much you’ve lost.

就因为我不把话说出来，就因为我想用平静的心意去看待，就是说你是对的。我因为在乎你，才把话收回去，就觉得不用在乎我的是吗？我现在不再是生气，而是累。虽然我知道自己的技术可能不如你，可是也不至于一文不值吧。作为朋友的我，不过是想帮忙和分担。可能是自己的期望太高，可是作为朋友的我们我还希望能得到谅解和保护。可能是我自己太小孩子了。

最让我遗憾的是我们的距离越来越远了。我慢慢忘记，以前的我们是怎么样的。我现在已经不想去要求别人理解我了，我现在最好的选择是不出声，象鬼一样的变透明。需说就说，需笑就笑。

Unemotional; detached. My last stand.

等到我彻底死心和失望时，对你好不在乎，就是我默默消失的铃声。

我。我。。我开始不认识我自己了，我怎么样才能找回我自己呢？活在一个陌生的世界，活在一个不像是自己的自己。。我开始慢慢怨恨自己。 你知道吗？想哭又哭不出是世界上最可怕的感觉。

你可以恨我，讨厌我。如果恨我就直接告诉我，我可以帮你，减少出现在你视线之内。我似否该问，我所做错的一切。

突然又可以哭了。

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

我受够了。够了。真的够了。要继续到什么时候？

我不能呼吸。

每天，每天，每天。

真的。

失望，需先要有期望，既然跟本没有希望，那什么都没有意义了。

我，已经尽力了。

所以，我应该完完全全的把嘴闭上。

做一个听话，不出声的小孩。

反正说了也是白说。

我所相信的，都是谎言。

Monday, May 18, 2009

我知道不管发生什么事，时间不会为我停止，也不会为我而变。

人也是一样，有时不管身边的人在不在乎你，你还是要往前走。

我不想去想了。

有时，一个人是好事。这样就不用担心拖累。

沉默。

安静。

空虚。

Friday, May 15, 2009

I’m tired; these two weeks have been emotionally draining.

Having things thrown at you in the face, realizing things, coming to terms with things and having memories that you thought you had locked away forever coming up to haunt you. I wonder now, what is it that I am working towards, what am I searching for unconsciously. It is just pain and more pain, isn’t it? And its pain that no one can take away, pain that take you by storm and shatter the world that you know. Reality is incredibly painful.

I sat myself by the window, my eyes brimming with unshed tears, really this is getting silly. All I had wanted was to live in a world I could call my own, but even that is taken away from me. And I hate it when I can’t even voice it out, when all I can do is shake my head dumbly and repeat that I’m okay. I’m not okay, but what can I say? Do you know how much I resent you now? I hope you somehow realize that your newfound delight was paid with my pain. I didn’t want to be bitter, but with or without me in the equation it’s still not fair. But then why am I even holding on to the concept of fairness? The entire falsity of the situation is resounding in my mind. You disgusting soul. Because of you, I can’t even smile for my friends who are hurting because of me. I hate you.

And its another slap to the face, when everybody I care about seems to defend you and is in your side, despite denial. I’m sorry. I usually don’t ever hold grudges for so long but this time, I really cannot see you through normal eyes anymore.

This is one of my favourite poems by the late Sylvia Plath.

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.

Whatever I see I swallow immediately

Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.

I am not cruel, only truthful-

The eye of the little god, four cornered.

Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.

It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long

I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.

Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,

Searching my reaches for what she really is.

Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.

I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.

She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.

I am important to her. She comes and goes.

Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.

In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman

Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

没想到这么久后回来的我竟然是这样。

我病了。是因为哭了太多吗？发烧，头晕，头痛，肚子痛，想吐。。

我又在变成那软弱，依赖他人的小孩了，我几时才会长大，勇敢面对这个世界呢？我要做一个勇敢面对，坚强的女孩。

我做出决定的那一刻，我就开始后悔。

我最怕的是遗憾，可是我又要怎么去面对？

我已经在想念你们。

我的朋友们，两位琦绮，你知道我多爱你们吗？

呵呵，有点尴尬。

我会尽我的全力。

我答应你。

虽然，我知道我这么做很自私，可是要我继续留在一个不属于我的地方也不是很自私吗？

在一个没得到别人的认同和理解，一个不能容忍我的地方，给别人觉得是个无所事事的跟屁虫，对我来说有意义吗？你可以不喜欢我，可是你不可以这么说我。我付出的，像白云一样的漂走了。我要做一个能为朋友高兴的人，不是一个活在自己的痛苦和怨恨中的人。

我留下来对你们来说不一定是件好事，我已经感到很没脸见人了，每次伤心流泪的我直会害到你们对我更加担心和愧疚。这是没必要的。自私的我又无法用一个理解的心去面对，因为它对我的打击太大了。自私自私对吧，我永远只看到在痛苦里挣扎的自己。对不起。

我的决定是用了很多很多的时间，很多没闭眼的晚上考录出来的。也是用了很多很多很多的眼泪来说服自己的。我很想念那段平静又快乐的那段日子，可是再也不会回来了。

昨天，有一个人告诉我说，不要拿别人的过错来惩罚自己，还有说事情的原点是有理由的，可是那算是理由吗？如果是。那我更不会后悔我的决定了，因为根本没有挽留的原因了。我明白。

她的下一句又让我又哭了。我太不能控制自己了。

她说要我自己好好想清楚，如果离开会伤心吗？有好的理由吗？离开了算是什么，输了吗？离开了会想念吗？会很舍不得吗？会想念里面的朋友吗？

难道我没想过吗？可是从别人的口中出来，我听了更加难受。可是，还是谢谢你。

答案是，我会舍不得，会想念，会心碎，会恨我自己。

可是，那又如何，我已经心死了。

我要回一个不会哭的翠玉。

银色，你又让我哭了。

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

六姐没了。不存在了。消失了。

翠玉哭了。又哭了。又哭了。

可是，她不会再哭了因为泪都流完了。

我真的不会再哭了，我答应你。

我累了。

你们的关心，我知道。

我真的很感谢你们那温暖的关怀，请不要怪我。

可是，你们是没办法能了解我现在的感受。

我真的有口难言。

不是借口，是事实。

你知道吗？

我根本未有勇气去想他们今天是用什么样的眼睛看待我的。

我说过要向勇气挥挥手，可是属于我的勇气先生已经不见了。

所以，不是我不要坚强，是它先离我而去。

我们曾经说过，要学会有自知自明。

我知道我的极限。

还有，说过不想执著，我要死心，该放说，就放手。

我不是很重要的。

更不是不可取代，所以渐渐就会被遗忘。

我，我也是人，是有感受的。

你们这么做难道，我就没感觉吗？

还有，我听到你恶心又自豪的声音是，我很想喊。

所以，我需要离你远远的。

口不择兰，你们太过分了。

你们是我最不舍得的。

我真的很不舍得，也非常惭愧。

一定会有遗憾的决定，我还是去选，你们明白我的心情了吗。

我不是傻傻，因为别人而放弃。

虽然，我不能完全否认，可是我还时为了那自私的自己。

我很你。我很你恨你，可是我更恨我自己。

因为我太没用了。

It’s so long since I’ve been here.

So many things, so little words.

There’s so many things I want to say but, sometimes I just swallow it in.

Its better like that.

Its always better to break away and let go before I it’s too Iate.

I should take my own advice. The more hopeful you are, the more it hurts.

I am already too attached, and the hurt I feel, its ridiculous to even speak about it. I shall become this uncaring, personwhodonthavefeelingsworthconsideringtmr.

Let this all end this way.

To continue chasing after this elusive happiness is too much for me to bear.

One cruel lesson learnt.

Effort doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter at all.

You all, you..

You probably never realize what a slap in the face it was to me.

But it’s okay, and I'm never going to answer any questions.

Please, just let it be.

Stop hurting me. You DON’T understand.

When you all made your choices, its already out of your hands.

And, no matter how much you care, its not enough to ever understand.

Empathy is one thing, true understanding is another.

My darling CCS , I’d miss you.

And I’d miss you all you know, cause you gave me memories.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Are things back to normal now? Maybe.

But things have changed. Without doubt, I can feel it.

Will we ever be able to go back to the past?

You all mean a lot to me.

Just know that. I no longer wish to explain. So let it be.

4 more days.

My freedom? I need to be clear.

What I judge as the most important thing to me.

Because of this stupid situation, because of myself.

I don’t wish to continue to deliberate.

Cca makes me a worse person, I'm just twisting my own character.

Peace and friends are more important to me.

Call me a fool, but that is me.

What will come, will come.

Left, right. Left, right.

Life does go on.

当我需要做出选择时，我不会像一个小孩子，害怕而逃避。

我会用一个稳定，平静的心意去看待。

我不会再做一个绊脚石。

我们必须要理解和面对，我们的心意，我们明白。