Saturday, April 11, 2009

Life is funny, I can understand that.

But sometimes it’s tiring.

Can we all behave like civilized souls who have got at least ten years of education? It’s horrifying stupid, we are not living in a circus or a zoo for that matter.

The more I think about it, the more upset I got. My migraine is back. And we know who to thank for it. I hope that person is sneezing like hell now, it’s only fair. Do I sound vengeful? Perhaps I do, this ridiculous farce is spoiling my character.

It was Good Friday today, and I tried to keep my thoughts untainted. But I just can’t help mulling over it; it was like on the edge of my mind. Everyone was joyful and exclaiming over god’s grace. After all, Sunday is ESTHER SUNDAY(: I love love Esther so. It reminds me of happier times.

I wanted to ask god for forgiveness and the power to forgive, but I just can’t do it. If there’s one thing I hope that I can have, it’s the ability to ignore and to forget. This forgiving...i can’t do it, it’s too painful, to forgive you need to understand and accept. And the horrible person that I am, I cannot, and refuse to understand or accept. It’s impossible for me to gloss over this revolting reality.

There’s still a truth I need to uncover, a question I need to have the answer to. And I’m almost afraid to ask, the fear of having the wrong answer, it’d kill me. If, for whatever reasons there may be for keeping it from me, I might not be able to forgive. We all have to make our decisions and in turn our stands, whether by choice, by circumstances or even unknowingly.

I’m preparing myself to close this door.

And I don’t know what decisions I will make when it comes to that stage.