Thursday, April 30, 2009

Today was excruciatingly painful.

Just getting through today was a feat in itself.

Should I say because of situation or because of myself?

All I can say is that I cannot go back on the promises I made.

My time is running out.

My path is set.

By the time you will understand, it will already be over.

我有很多很多东西要说，可是有口难言。

逃避不是解决的办法，可是我不是逃避。

就因为我在乎友谊，我非得这样。你知道了，只会更难受。

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Things can never go back to the way they were, no?

If I hurt you, I'm sorry.

You hurt me deeper than you’d imagine.

I’m sorry for the way things turned out; it never was my intention for things to become this way. But it’s too late isn’t it?

I really wanna know, do you resent me?

Cause I resent everything.

Quietly, just like the breeze who will never come back to the same place again.

For you to say that, it took a lot of courage, no?

And I know your views are echoed. That hurt even more.

Forgive me, there are things I cannot say.

It’s the last time I bother.

I’m not sure if you’d realize,

But every line had rang with falsity.

Its whispers of broken promises once gain rang in my ears.

I wish time can pass faster.

I wish to forget.

Some things will never change.

My predictions are on the mark.

It’s so bloody ironic and only I see it.

Certain things, I’m not even going to take into consideration anymore.

Because they are lies, well meaning ones perhaps but still lies.

I kept thinking, can we go on like this? In this never endng vicious cycle?

Wednesday and Friday means many thing to me now.

For being able to spend time together.

For having a place we belong to together, to contribute.

And for being miserable and having to hide it under a nonchalant remark.

Its so bloody ironic isn’t it?

All I want is to get out of this mess but when I finally can, invariably i ‘d leave part of my heart behind.

This is cruelty in its own form.

I hate this.

You tell me its not worth to leave, but staying, you don’t understand how I feel every week, I become so bitter that I’m becoming a shrew. And in staying aren’t we just hurting ourselves when another issue pops up?

It makes me sick.

Here I am vomiting, and yet still unable to get it out of my mind.

What hurts is that no one really understands.
and I cant say.

I think in the course of this two months, I made many many wrong choices, be it due to impulsiveness or grief. I really should stick to my decisions. I’d be a better person that way.

All the what ifs are haunting me.

You kept asking me if im fine.

Im fine, it’s the sadness without the tears.

From this moment on, god please help me to be a stronger person.

I don’t wanna say anything anymore.

If you can see, you can.

Im sick of talking about this issue.

You don’t think im serious right?

Pain hurts, its normal. Just like how the sun rises in the morning everyday.

Lets all move on.

I need a closure.

The sheen is my eye is blinding me.

But still, I smile

Friday, April 24, 2009

不需要这样的。

你，真的没有跟好的事做吗？

我真的很想知道，你懂得什么是良心吗？

我最讨厌就是你这种人了。

在别人的不快乐中，得到一种莫名其妙的

真的，真的好问题。

你，太过分了。

在没有得罪你的情况下，我希望你知道什么是遭天谴。

你让我难过，生气，委屈。

可是你不可以用这样的态度对待我的朋友。

你，这个不知死的怪物。

我对你们这群人感到恶心。

我又学习到人是残忍的。

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

我不知道要说什么好。

虽然，说出来后我的心是舒服了一点。。

我，还是不想把事情闹大。

反正，我累了。心也开始变麻了。

所以，算了。

我只能说的是，我庆幸有你们。

就因为我们在一起，我得到快乐的回忆。

我，不会再哭了。

那伤心，失控的我，我要除掉。

因为，把情绪和内心干受说出来。。是危险的。

就这样，我会向勇气挥手。

如果要得到和解释时这样的，我宁愿离开。

我不想因为自己而带给别人不快乐。

我，又在明白这一点。

误会可以是残忍的。

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Why am I such a failure?

I can’t even do a simple thing like this properly, maybe there’s a reason for this situation after all. I’m a careless, useless, irresponsible person.

I’m utterly demoralized.

All I do is to make me surer of my decision.

You tried to comfort me. Justify it even.

But so what if I was sick and vomiting?

I wasn’t the only sick person in the country.

I’m tired of this terrifying guilt.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry to you, to myself.

And to the hopes that will never be realized.

I feel so miserable. I can’t believe that some people think that vomiting is a choice. Forget it.

Today was horrible.

Running over Singapore trying to find a piece of cloth was not exactly my idea of fun. But because we were together, it was.

I wonder will these times last, I no longer believe in forever.

No matter how tiring it was, it was worth it.

Someone told me letting go is painful.

But nothing is more painful than hanging on to things without a dim of hope.

Illusions are painful because they bring false hopes.

By the time you understand, I’d already have gone.

Monday, April 20, 2009

我累了。吐了，我想就这样吧。

你，我放弃。我不会再相信。

原谅我的任性。我的决定对我们来说是最好的。

我又再学到一个道理，人是自私的。

可是最让我感到反感的是，人的残忍。

我想快快乐乐，安安静静地离开。

就因为我无能抵抗。所以我才要放弃。

我的心越来越沉重。

我的眼泪不断的流，因为我不论做出什么决定。。

我还是要付出一定的代价。我不愿失去。

我不想再要像现在一样感到难过。

你们不会明白，我谅解，可是我。。

我不能再继续不谅解为我自己。

Saturday, April 18, 2009

我要怎么办。

我的选择，一直浮现在我的脑海里。

如果不放弃。。

其实，根本不重要，离去，留下也是一样的。

我最后的回忆，一定要是美好的。

我，我的决定。我一个人承担。

我开始镇定起来了。

我相信。

就一切顺其自然吧，我要放手，就因为我相信。

我的决定，我不要后悔。

离别总是生命的一部分。来来去去，抵达，离开。

遇见，道别。这也是难免的，生命也就是如此。所以，我应该用平静的心意去面对，不是吗？含着泪的我，我不要。

虽然分离，可是不代表分开。我相信。

我珍惜的不止是时间，而是在那些时间里的美好回忆。

你们，我的勇气。

This whole situation is making me regret a lot of things, remember things that make me smile and cry. I want to believe you. I don’t want to hate you, I want to trust that you mean well. But, it still hurts more than it should.

And you can’t take it back, and somehow I agree with it too. There’s no point to me doing this all for the sake of, what?

That look in your eyes.

I want to escape.

I look like a fool now, don’t i?

What will come will come. What comes to pass might also never come back.

Friday, April 17, 2009

现在的我,很乱。

我能说的就只有这么多。

失望，不是。生气，不是。伤心，我还真希望不是。

现在的我，是两个字。麻木。

活在这样的世界里，我很累。

结果，我什么都不在乎。既然没期望，那还会有失望？

让我深深伤心的是你们那狠心的态度。

我不能接受

决定。我现在很乱。所以，我要怎么办才好呢？

放弃，离开。是一个好的决定吗？

我不想半途而废，可是人也有限度的。

我在一时感触时，哭了。

可是，有些事是不能改变的。

我也不想执著下去。

没用的。就当时一场梦来看待把。

虽然，难免会难过，难免会不舍得和思念。。

如果我的离去能让事情回到原点。我愿意。

如果放弃是最好的决定，我，我不会后悔。

我答应你们。

朋友就是我的勇气。

就因为你们，我不会后悔。

因为你们，我。。 我真的很感动。

问地，珍妮丝。

你们也要答应我，要坚持下去。

就算是为了我们那些未完成的期望。

相聚的美好时光，种是特别短暂。

当分离的时刻来临，

我们以祝福的心意去面对

因为相信，所以坚强

因为信任，所以理解

我，能微笑的像一切说再见。

Thursday, April 16, 2009

i knew even before it starts, that it would only end up in so much.

Despite and in spite of everything, we were destined to fail and to have come so far as I have, or rather how I m feeling now. I think that it should all come to a close. Everything in life has its own time and place. Including this.

Moments in time, lapses in memories. Would this live on in time immemorial?

Just like how I cannot turn back time, I cannot pretend nor can I forget. What is lost now, is lost forever. Just like how water slips out of our fingers, we can’t hold on to something that cannot be contained.

Snow, my representation of the tears I shed for you.

I want to learn how to say goodbye in ten languages.

So I can learn how to bid you farewell.

“I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” – Roy Croft

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I don’t know what in the world is wrong with me, and here, I’d admit that I’m scared. This can’t persist. I’m sick every week. This is the third time it happened in this month, and it’s not only a flu.

Despite my strong front, I’m afraid.

But for the last time, I’m gonna say this, I’m not going back to that disgusting white place you all a hospital.

I’d be well.

If only to spite the world.

Life is funny, I can understand that.

But sometimes it’s tiring.

Can we all behave like civilized souls who have got at least ten years of education? It’s horrifying stupid, we are not living in a circus or a zoo for that matter.

The more I think about it, the more upset I got. My migraine is back. And we know who to thank for it. I hope that person is sneezing like hell now, it’s only fair. Do I sound vengeful? Perhaps I do, this ridiculous farce is spoiling my character.

It was Good Friday today, and I tried to keep my thoughts untainted. But I just can’t help mulling over it; it was like on the edge of my mind. Everyone was joyful and exclaiming over god’s grace. After all, Sunday is ESTHER SUNDAY(: I love love Esther so. It reminds me of happier times.

I wanted to ask god for forgiveness and the power to forgive, but I just can’t do it. If there’s one thing I hope that I can have, it’s the ability to ignore and to forget. This forgiving...i can’t do it, it’s too painful, to forgive you need to understand and accept. And the horrible person that I am, I cannot, and refuse to understand or accept. It’s impossible for me to gloss over this revolting reality.

There’s still a truth I need to uncover, a question I need to have the answer to. And I’m almost afraid to ask, the fear of having the wrong answer, it’d kill me. If, for whatever reasons there may be for keeping it from me, I might not be able to forgive. We all have to make our decisions and in turn our stands, whether by choice, by circumstances or even unknowingly.

I’m preparing myself to close this door.

And I don’t know what decisions I will make when it comes to that stage.

We have learned that humanity is capable of the darkest acts in the universe. We have the ability to create the most wonderful dreams¡¦ and to use them to destroy.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Do I need to issue a declaration to clear up this stupid issue? I told myself it didn’t matter. But I won’t deny that it’s making my existence more painful than it already this.

I could accept anything. I told myself to be indifferent to it, but this misconception I cannot find it within myself to accept. I can’t.

Do you know what I kind of people I despise the most?

It’s those kinds of heartless people who mess with people’s life for their own amusement. Those people who finds pleasure in other people’s pain.

It’s disgusting.

When I realized that this is what people perceive this entire farce to be, I was simply floored. So this is what you think of me. I held back the tears and controlled the fury, but must I live this way?

I wasn’t crying just now. But I certainly am now.

What mistake did I commit that things have to hurt me this way?

Just for your stupid actions, I’m paying the price.

Shandong, suddenly all my anticipation seemed to left me. Why should I continue on this path on never ending misery.

I resent you, know that.

I somehow cannot regret my wish, to never have to see you again.

I am so tired of all these.

Let’s just end it here.

Everything I believed in is a lie.

But this, this is a truth I can’t deny.

Please, don’t make up stories if you don’t know crap.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

You disappoint me more than you know.

The past is as beautiful as the fading sunset.

委屈，你明白吗？

我真的不知道要说什么好。。

我不想再去想了。

反正我们都知道结果是不可能改变的。

坚强？我真的好累了。

如果现实就是那么残忍。。

我。。

就这样吧。

我祝你顺利成功。

我像那天真，傻傻的自己说再见。

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I hate this so much that I wanna scream outloud.

Why must everything be so twisted?

I hate me.

I hate you.

I hate the feeling of having my hopes dashed before I even realized their existence; I hate that low sinking feeling. I hate being disappointed.

I want to choose to believe in you, that’s why I still hope. But, you never cared did you? As long as things just go on, there’s no need to give a damn no? I hate this, I hate that you are indifferent. i hate that you don’t even bother. Strangers. This word kept recurring in my head. Maybe even strangers would care more.

I don’t wish to have any more expectations.

To see them trampled on the ground like that is too much for me to bear.

This path, it hurts so much..

I’m sorry to myself, and to you for the things that can never be.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

It seems that selfishness is something that is everywhere these days.
I own to that sin. After all I am but human.

But sometimes the reactions of others stun you into speechlessness. I don’t want to linger upon it, it’d be back to haunt me for sure. Wiping away tears of frustration, I can’t help that little spark of resentment. It just proves to me that some things can be changed. Things cannot be undo, and we cannot go back in time.

I refuse to let it hurt me, but sometimes willpower is not enough.

There are times when you wonder if this path is a wrong choice. And I’m in a reflective mood now. There are so many things, small? Maybe you can classify it that way but it just serves to create a question in my head. Is this how things are supposed to go? And how things are going to be? Is it because my decisions are always wrong? My head hurts. Every day, people’s reactions cause me to be even more uncertain about how I should go on.

Just like how a passing breeze can never return, happiness is but a passing memory.

我知道我不可能回到过去，可是我对从前让我感到温暖的回忆感到遗憾。

如果时间能够倒流。。 可是发生了这么多事，我也应该长大了。

我，我再也不是以前的我了。

我所相信地一切全都是谎言。

Truth, the most hurtful thing ever.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I wish I can go back to a time when there was happiness.

In pursuit of happiness.

An elusive search.

I’ve had enough of this.

I don’t need you to care; I’m used to it by now.

It’s funny, you thinking that I want your attention.

Please, it’s too late. I’ve grown up from that wide eyed little girl who believed in you. Why would I want it now after knowing that stretching out your hand would only be met with the frigid wind? You taught me that lesson well and I’m far from forgetting it.

Just like I’m no longer five, you are no longer the same person in my eyes.

Oh, and just for those idiots out there who thinking fainting is fun and is a freaking joke. Then, I recommend you try it, I’d help you. And we’d see how fun it is for you.

And for the precious few of you who cared enough, I’m sorry if I caused you to be worried. It just seems so normal to be sick now. And I can’t bring myself to care.

I just remembered this line:

Just like the breeze that was everything to you, the breeze that left can never come back to the same spot again.