Monday, March 9, 2009

"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid." - Richard Bach

It’s at times like this when I start to doubt my own sanity.
I start to wonder about the reason for my existence and my purpose in this world.
Everything is turning into one huge messed up situation. The irony of life.
I’m starting to distort myself into a very very ugly person.
I’m starting to hate myself now, and there is no one here to tell me to do otherwise.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of everything now, but I’m helpless to save myself. You know how I feel now? It’s exactly that dreadful feeling, that dark dark fear when someone is going to throw you into the ocean and leave you to drown. I’m suffocating under my turbulent and erratic emotions.
The noose around my neck is tightening.

I’m already breaking. Morbidly, I wonder when will be the exact moment when I snap.

Cause that’d really be the end. I swear.

It’s the words of the people you seek approval from that disappoints you and cut you to the quick. That only serves to push you back into the hellhole you are already in.
But I’d already prepared myself for that.
It’s the apparent lack of concern from the people that you thought at least gave a damn that hurt so much. Its that realization that sorts of ram into you –the selfish reality of the world, the survival instinct. It is that selfish intention and will that one deems as betrayal but Is it really? Maybe you knew it all along but never wanted to acknowledge it. The knowledge stunned me.

Something in me broke that moment.
But there’s something I know.
I’d never be able to forget the moment when I realised what a farce I’m living in.

I’m not living life.
Life is ravaging me.