Monday, March 30, 2009

I wish it was but a dream,

I didn’t plan on coming here.

I didn’t want to come here and be confronted with my demons and to acknowledge the tears streaming down my face my eyes are so swollen that it hurts, like hell. I’m screaming I n agony inside my mind now. All I want is to bawl at the top of my lungs and scream but even that I cannot have.

I can only force myself to swallow back my sobs and stifle my cries with the back of my hand.

Everything is moving in the wrong direction, but if I hate you, rest assure that I loathe myself more. I hate how you can dictate my emotions through your slightest actions. You always want me to be someone that I cannot be, someone that fit the mold you always wanted. But I can’t, I’m not a robot. Trust me, if I could, I would.

Shouldn’t you of all people understand that the idea of ideal in our flawed world doesn’t exist? If I love you, then I must hate you with equal fervor. Ironic? Contradicting? It doesn’t matter in the least.

Let’s face it, I resent you and dad. Yes, both of you, stop pushing the blame. Its enough. Why? It’s simple. Because to both of you, I’ve never been important enough, I’m just another person in your lives that can be easily replaced.

I hate being threatened, you know that.

Everyone has a limit before they truly break.

It will be eight years soon.

It seems that the pain won’t even leave me for a minute. It’s always with me 24 hours without fail. Even in sleep I’m haunted by dreams. In school I have no peace and at home solace is but a dream. You know, its quite funny the way everyone tells me to see doctor and take medicine, for what? Its not going to help. People tell me to rest, friends tell me to relax, and you told me not to be ridiculous. Doctor says I need to distress, please.

Funny, why? Cause just being around you all gives me anxiety attacks. So what if I’m constantly dizzy, so what if I have a constant migraine, so what if my blood pressure is getting too low, so what if my breathing is heavy?

My point is, so? My physical state is nothing compared to my mental anguish. So shut it.

School. Its just another source of my headache, just like friends. I can’t cope. That’s a fact, nothing to hide. I’m already too stressed to even think properly. Mock me if you want, no one can make me feel more useless than now. Friends. It’s so hard to meet the right people, so hard to become close. So hard to develop concern, so please, let’s hold on together. No matter how many unhappy memories there are in the past, it’s time to move on. Because, the present is all we have left.

Actually, I miss all of us already, because with so many things happening, we are no longer who we used to be.

My world is getting dimmer with every passing day.