Monday, March 30, 2009

I wish it was but a dream,

I didn’t plan on coming here.

I didn’t want to come here and be confronted with my demons and to acknowledge the tears streaming down my face my eyes are so swollen that it hurts, like hell. I’m screaming I n agony inside my mind now. All I want is to bawl at the top of my lungs and scream but even that I cannot have.

I can only force myself to swallow back my sobs and stifle my cries with the back of my hand.

Everything is moving in the wrong direction, but if I hate you, rest assure that I loathe myself more. I hate how you can dictate my emotions through your slightest actions. You always want me to be someone that I cannot be, someone that fit the mold you always wanted. But I can’t, I’m not a robot. Trust me, if I could, I would.

Shouldn’t you of all people understand that the idea of ideal in our flawed world doesn’t exist? If I love you, then I must hate you with equal fervor. Ironic? Contradicting? It doesn’t matter in the least.

Let’s face it, I resent you and dad. Yes, both of you, stop pushing the blame. Its enough. Why? It’s simple. Because to both of you, I’ve never been important enough, I’m just another person in your lives that can be easily replaced.

I hate being threatened, you know that.

Everyone has a limit before they truly break.

It will be eight years soon.

It seems that the pain won’t even leave me for a minute. It’s always with me 24 hours without fail. Even in sleep I’m haunted by dreams. In school I have no peace and at home solace is but a dream. You know, its quite funny the way everyone tells me to see doctor and take medicine, for what? Its not going to help. People tell me to rest, friends tell me to relax, and you told me not to be ridiculous. Doctor says I need to distress, please.

Funny, why? Cause just being around you all gives me anxiety attacks. So what if I’m constantly dizzy, so what if I have a constant migraine, so what if my blood pressure is getting too low, so what if my breathing is heavy?

My point is, so? My physical state is nothing compared to my mental anguish. So shut it.

School. Its just another source of my headache, just like friends. I can’t cope. That’s a fact, nothing to hide. I’m already too stressed to even think properly. Mock me if you want, no one can make me feel more useless than now. Friends. It’s so hard to meet the right people, so hard to become close. So hard to develop concern, so please, let’s hold on together. No matter how many unhappy memories there are in the past, it’s time to move on. Because, the present is all we have left.

Actually, I miss all of us already, because with so many things happening, we are no longer who we used to be.

My world is getting dimmer with every passing day.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The people who say they love you are the people who end up hurting you the most.

Friendship, life, family, school.

How am I going to deal with them all?

Just like Lucy’s muddle in RWAV, I’ve lost my clarity of thoughts. The sharp intake of breath every few minutes remind me all too clearly of the burning fire that will never cease, confirming my realization that this world is unbelievably cruel.

Thinking about it, it’s the actions of people close to you that cause you to grow up and mature. Not only because they nurture you but at the same time they help to instil in you the concept of how utterly absurd human relationships are.

How funny right? When they are the ones that teaches you your moral values. It is so bitterly ironic.

Reuniting, separation. We meet people and leave them, we grow up. As I look back on the past that knot in my heart only tightened and the sense of regret surrounded me. There’s so many things that I regret, things that I did, things that I didn’t, things that I had no power or the will to want to change. There are so many things, but something I know I’d never be able to let go. People.

Daddy I miss you.

All I want is to be able to hold back the tears, and hold that smile.

On by one, the people who I loved slowly left me, they said that it was to help me mature and grow up. But if being mature means this helpless agony, then I’d lost my innocence for a very long time.

I used to believe in that forever for always. But it was to be in another place, another time, another dimension.

I no longer wish to understand.

freedom is just a bitter lie.
i wonder if the day we realise what loss is still lingers in your mind. i know it does in mine.


the world is messed up and spinning 'round.
that's all i have to say now.



nothing hurts more than facing disparity, and smiling through it.


i hurt.
more than how all of you give me that disparaging look.
i despise myself more for being vulnerable.


it's all tainted.
disgustingly hypocritical.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

It’s a new day once again.

‘Happy birthday mommy.’

I wish that you can always be happy.

Just like any other child, I love you and hope that you’d be able to find solace in me,

But it doesn’t really matter to me anymore.

As long as happiness appears..

Despite everything, the love no matter how dormant is everlasting.

The love that withers like the rose..

I love you mommy.

I do, in spite of myself.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A photograph can bring you back to a past that you thought you had left behind forever.

A best friend waits forever when you say "JUST A MiNUTE", stays when you say "LEAVE ME ALONE", and listens for hours while you cry in the phone."

Every girl needs a best friend to make her laugh when she thinks she'll never smile again..<3

Take out the picture, blow off the dust, remove the frame- it's starting to rust, remember the times we had together?? Whatever happened to best friends forever?

Boyfriends stab you in the heart..
Friends stab you in the back.. But
Best friends don'T carry knives..
They carry shovels to dig you out of the
holes you burry yourself into. <3

It's funny how in the end you always go back to the ones who have been there from the very beginning..
y o u r l b e s t l f r i e n d s

Your real friends don't have to be the ones you spend the most time with..
Just the ones you have the BEST memories with:)

i‘m redefining my definition of friends.

Because they are the biggest liars of all.

I’m reminding myself to be stronger.

What i don’t allow to hurt me will not.

I wish to see it through clearer eyes.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Just like how your heart sings, this time it’s too much for me to be able to smile.
I told myself never to look back.
But why are regrets still haunting me now?
It will soon be three winters.

There are so many things that I had wanted to say, so many entries I have yet to post.
But, I need to get certain thoughts out of my system first.

Though, I’d rather die than admit how much the issue bothered me, it’s upsetting me. Though what m said was right, and it’s time to put it behind me, I can’t help but feel hurt. There’s too many things that happened recently and I’m not in the best frame of mind to deal with it. This. This was just the final straw.

I’m battling with myself over so many things and I’m so conflicted. And this, it just messed me up abit more. I had always been easily hurt. That I admit. But after all these years I’m competent enough to deal with it. But this time, my emotions are overwhelming me.

I’m digressing.
I’d deal with that bitter tinge of pain. I always do.
It’s the reality, no absurdity that I can’t seem to get over.
What amusement can one get from giving a person false hope?
No, the word hope doesn’t apply, what can one gain from making a fool out of someone else?
Once again, I’m a victim of myself and my vulnerable emotions.
it is at times like this, when I realize again, how cruel people can be.
I’m astounded at the callousness that people display.

I’m getting rid of the word ‘heartrendingly sad’ from this issue.
When the last tear falls, it shall mark the end of this chapter.
09032009

I wish to go back to the time when, love is still a word in my dictionary.

‘’I love you.’’

It just resounds with a note of falsity.

"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid." - Richard Bach

It’s at times like this when I start to doubt my own sanity.
I start to wonder about the reason for my existence and my purpose in this world.
Everything is turning into one huge messed up situation. The irony of life.
I’m starting to distort myself into a very very ugly person.
I’m starting to hate myself now, and there is no one here to tell me to do otherwise.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of everything now, but I’m helpless to save myself. You know how I feel now? It’s exactly that dreadful feeling, that dark dark fear when someone is going to throw you into the ocean and leave you to drown. I’m suffocating under my turbulent and erratic emotions.
The noose around my neck is tightening.

I’m already breaking. Morbidly, I wonder when will be the exact moment when I snap.

Cause that’d really be the end. I swear.

It’s the words of the people you seek approval from that disappoints you and cut you to the quick. That only serves to push you back into the hellhole you are already in.
But I’d already prepared myself for that.
It’s the apparent lack of concern from the people that you thought at least gave a damn that hurt so much. Its that realization that sorts of ram into you –the selfish reality of the world, the survival instinct. It is that selfish intention and will that one deems as betrayal but Is it really? Maybe you knew it all along but never wanted to acknowledge it. The knowledge stunned me.

Something in me broke that moment.
But there’s something I know.
I’d never be able to forget the moment when I realised what a farce I’m living in.

I’m not living life.
Life is ravaging me.