nostalgia.
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started since: 05-12-1991
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sentimental.
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December 2008January 2009
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Thursday, December 25, 2008
once again, its a new day.and its still christmas.
thankyou god.
thankyou for gifting me with this ability to repress unhappy incidents.
nothing can teach me more fervently the meaning of, ignorance is bliss.
it was like a slap in the face.
just when you felt that you were going to break down,
just when you wanted some bit of comfort to pull you back from that abyss of pain,
they pushed you deeper into hell instead.
it's chillingly cruel.
at that moment, it was as if i lost control.
i wanted to let the whole world know that they are cruel,
that even when someone's world is being shattered into pieces, nothing would change.
we are just insignificant shadows.
my last wish for christmas this year;
is for me to be able to forget everything.
11:23 PM
A sentimental yearning.
A sentimental yearning.
~merry christmas.
i suppose its this time of the year again.
time really slips past your fingers, before you understood that it will never come back.
and once again, nothing ever changes.
christmas.
just the sound of it brings back bittersweet memories.
memories that sends painful twinges to my heart.
and once more, i have to learn to stop hoping for things that will never come true.
no, that bitter lesson i learnt that time still burns vividly in my mind.
however, the fool that i am, persist in hoping.
a delusional fool, that is exactly what i am.
that moment, i cried.
i couldnt help it.
i felt so helpless and so fustrated.
then again, why should i feel that way.
i should have already been used to it by now.
afterall it happens again and again.
to learn to be less selfish.
and to give up on the people who i love,
who supposedly love me back,
but would never ever be able to understand me.
that would be as of this moment, be my inspiration.
i love all of you; truly i do.
but, even though i know in would hate myself for this,
i wish i didn't.
for this, i almost wish i could turn back time.
and perhaps this would soon be a fact.
I don't love me. and that's how I understand why you don't either.
i'm sorry.
1:15 AM
A sentimental yearning.
A sentimental yearning.
Friday, December 19, 2008
My favourite quote from twilight has to be what Edward said to bella at the prom,‘‘Is it not enough, just to live a long and happy life with me.’’
That put me thinking.
About how fragile our existence actually is.
Today someone passed away,
Though I could not manage to feel any overwhelming sadness,
Somehow everything just seem to take on a grayish tinge.
Though our relationship wasn’t close and that she had a long and fruitful life already, death, with all its mysteries, can’t help but bring with it unpleasant thoughts and memories.
I had the unpleasant realization once again that life is but a painful farce that can disappear with just a blow of the wind.
For a moment, life seems to be shimmering in its shallowness.
It was a chilling thought, but fleeting.
As a person living in a community, with friends and family, people that you care and give a damn about. It is almost inevitable that your life’s thread is intertwined with many others.
If your life is a tapestry, it depends on the threads that are stitched on it to tell its story and create a beauty that is unrivalled, just because it’s unique.
Our life is exactly like that.
We depend on the people in our life to make up our world.
If everyone person that you encounter in your path in life has a thread in your tapestry, then your design would be rather complex.
The more important they are to you the brighter the colours they will be.
The final result should be stunning.
At this time, all I wish is for it to be able to stay that way, untouched by time.
Alas, this will never be so, just because we are human.
Slowly as time passes, we will all reach a time where farewells are inevitable.
It’s a heartrending and fearful thought.
It chills me to the bone to conjure up the image of a tapestry with the threads broken, and torn out, colours dulled with a sadness almost tangible, all its former vibrancy a thing of yesterdays.
Yet, somehow nothing can be prevented just because we are humans –with no control over destiny.
Coming back to twilight, I suddenly sympathized with both Edward and bella.
Edward, because he would see bella slowly fading away from him.
And bella, just because being a human would mean that her own life thread would soon be gone one day, and always living with that knowledge that she’d never be able to stop the inevitable.
I suppose it was the words –‘’a long and happy life with me-‘’
That got so deeply to me.
How can it ever be enough, and how can you say its lacking?
It was only now in the quiet and privacy of my own company that I can allow myself to feel emotions that I have suppressed for so long.
I miss everyone so much.
Even though everybody is just right next to me, it seems like we are already worlds apart. That somehow bothered me.
To be exact, I miss myself.
I feel like I’ve changed in some way.
Laughing, smiling, giggling. It seems so hard for me now.
Like as time passes, I could only see the world in shades of black and white.
A monotonous drone.
I start to wonder, how many of you truly know me?
Because I’m not sure if I can claim that feat even for myself.
2:27 AM
A sentimental yearning.
A sentimental yearning.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
This happen over and over again.No matter how much I try to repress it from my memory, it surfaces once again when you had most hope that the end is near.
Just like a recurring nightmare that you dread every night.
Just that its more real than you would like to accept,.
Reality is never more cruel than now. It seems almost mocking in its irony.
I used to resent this.
I could never understand what comes so easily to others,
no, what is handed on a silver platter to them, never gave me a chance.
What obscure fate is this?
Was I not worthy of the same?
Till now, it still haunts me.
Just like a festering wound, it still sends me a twinge everyday,
Just like a chronic problem, it can never heal completely.
Rather than saying that the hurtful words cost me,
It was the conviction behind me that stabbed me so deep.
The tears that I held in slipped out.
And I was sorry for that.
No matter how weak and useless you think I am,
These tears didn’t appear by intention for whatever reasons that you think.
The tears were just a testament to my inner agony.
But of course it would never occur to you to think that way.
For that, I’m sorry. For myself and for you.
Perception.
I don’t have the strength to keep on believing.
For the circumstances that we both find ourselves in,
For the perceived misconceptions and conclusions that you made,
I can only feel apologetic for the fact that we couldn’t break past it.
For that throbbing pain in my head, I can deal with it.
After all, what’s pain when you have lived with it for the last decade or so?
The irony of this.
You know what’s the saddest thing of all that I’ve learnt again today?
Its that I could never understand how insignificant I am to you and; How you could never understand how important you are to me.
9:49 PM
A sentimental yearning.
A sentimental yearning.
Monday, December 8, 2008
i'm miserable, and heartrendingly sad.that's all there is to me now.
that's all i'm capable of processing.
words are beyond me now.
my only wish for christmas this year, is for the sun to shine warmly again.
for i feel as though i'd never feel warm again.
10:35 PM
A sentimental yearning.
A sentimental yearning.